mothers who give up primary custody

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07.01.21

According to the 2013 United States Census, 13.4 million parents are deemed “custodial” and, of those, 1 in every 6 (17.5%) are fathers. I love to talk about my daughter — about the funny things she says, the plans we have for her summer visitation, the pictures she draws for me. I had a deep conviction that the choice I made for myself and my daughter was a good one. This may be because your ex-partner has more money, better representation, or a slew of other factors. My ex-husband has bottomless pockets and had ground me down financially in a custody battle. Still others are the unfortunate victims of a faulty court system. Custody rules that apply to unmarried parents often vary based on jurisdiction. And, yes, there may be some women who either lost custody or gave it up because they were unfit or “selfish.” (A subjective condemnation, at best.) Substance abuse of any kind does is taken seriously in family court – drugs, alcohol, even cigarettes … Custody issues typically come up during the course of a divorce, but that isn't the case in all circumstances. I didn’t want you to see me suffer, cry, and worry about where I would be, where I would stay.”. These studies are admittedly dated, but they remain important because, to this day, they remain the most comprehensive research done on societal beliefs about non-custodial mothers. However, when a family court judge does have to step in and decide which parent to award primary physical custody to, preference is usually given to the one who is the … Second, the individual as the focus of analysis results in a seeking for causes within the individual.”. That got old, fast. These rights include the right to custody of their child, the right to expect obedience and cooperation from the child, the rights to any earnings that the child might make, and the right to sue anyone who is guilt… Letting Go: When Alienated Parents Give Up When a parent endures parental alienation, various emotions materialize. I love to talk about my daughter — about the funny things she says, the plans we have for her summer visitation, the pictures she draws for me. … a parent that has chosen the role of bringing up children rather than earning income has a difficult job and this can be compounded when … After all, if nothing happened, why would a mother choose to give up custody of her child? However, if you're a father trying to win child custody, you may wonder if your gender could impact your case, especially given the past practice of mothers seemingly having a measurable advantage in family courts across the nation.Whether you're a single father heading to the court for the first time, or you're appealing an … When I say my daughter lives with her dad, people are horrified, confused, angered, or some combination of all three. Once I began to feel ashamed of my decision, I started to feel like an outlier, like I had made a choice so unthinkable that I needed to keep it hidden. She moved to an apartment three miles away from her children so she could see them on weekends. I am intentionally dragging my shame into the light so others know they aren’t alone. She explains: “I chose, after a long, deliberate and painstaking process, to give my ex-husband essentially full custody of one of my children. Mothers and fathers who are splitting up may both seek and be awarded physical custody of their child. You would need to consult a copy of the custody order to ascertain when your child or children can be taken by the other parent. For some, like me, it is a choice. As has been made evident by much of the recent political activity in the U.S., when people aren’t familiar with something — when it doesn’t fit into their limited worldview — they tend to fear it. Exactly. Leave a reply Cancel reply. In families where it’s the mother, she will be the one who is likely not to get custody. When a person feels the other parent is more capable of properly raising the children, they make a courageous, loving and selfless decision to allow the most qualified person to have primary responsibility to raise the children. These mothers, often referred to as resistant mothers, do not fit neatly into the intensive motherhood paradigm.”. In such a heartbreaking scenario, … In cases where both parents decided, without involvement from a mediator or the court 83% of the time the mother ended up with custody because the father chose to give her custody. As has been made evident by much of the recent political activity in the U.S., when people aren’t familiar with something — when it doesn’t fit into their limited worldview — they tend to fear it. Although one parent may have primary physical custody, both parents typically share joint legal custody. This originally appeared on The Establishment. That leaves non-custodial mothers like myself with one of two labels: selfish or unfit. Some stereotypes die harder than others. The general consensus is that they are the most selfish women on the planet and/or don’t love their children. This inability to acknowledge that absolutes — “mothers who do not choose their child are bad mothers” — are by and large useless, and belies a powerful gender bias that still permeates nearly every aspect of our society. Your User Agreement here at MDC, read it and make it your friend and read the FAQ to answer all the questions of the (MDC) world. The default is joint legal and joint physical. This argument is especially true when the children are old … Will you believe I abandoned you there to “live a carefree life” the way he thinks I did? This is the simple but very, very loaded question that I am asked when someone finds out that I don’t have primary custody of my daughter. That got old, fast. According to the 2013 United States Census, 13.4 million parents are deemed “custodial” and, of those, 1 in every 6 (17.5%) are fathers. Reply. For others, it is out of necessity. They illuminate just how varied each family’s circumstance is and shows that there is no black and white reason for a mother not having custody. Unfortunately, despite your best efforts, you could end up losing custody in some cases. What Do Child Custody Statistics Really Tell Us? It wasn’t until I was met with such visceral reactions that I began to feel as though I should feel ashamed. A mother would turn down an opportunity for majority custody of children for the same reasons a father might reject primary custody. My ex-husband has bottomless pockets and had ground me down financially in a custody battle. These stories are critical to starting a dialogue about non-custodial mothers. I wasn’t ashamed. Not being able to do that because of other people’s misguided assumptions about why she doesn’t live with me was painful. Section 8, Point 2 of the same part of the Statutes says, “Preference must not be given to either parent for the sole reason that the parent is the mother or father of the child.” Clarification of Sole, Primary, and Joint Custody First, the norm operates as a standard against which ‘others’ are measured. One of the most enduring is the widespread perception that women who give up custody of their children are horrible mothers. So what I’m asking do I have a chance to try and get primary … Before and during the divorce process, each parent has the same legal right to custody of a child. Are you wondering if you can have joint custody when the mother of your child has primary physical custody? ... Luca's scorn, I knew he needed me. The minute I shook hands with the custody evaluator, I worried I was toast. This can occur if both society and family courts begin to move away from antiquated narratives and become open to the idea that there are many ways to be a mother. This, according to the Pew Research Center, is up from 300,000 in 1960. Ask a lawyer - it's free! It was the most wrenching decision of my life, but one that I felt I had to make. Second, the individual as the focus of analysis results in a seeking for causes within the individual.”. First, the norm operates as a standard against which ‘others’ are measured. On the other hand, it becomes more complicated when there is joint legal decision making. I stopped telling people. Then, when they find out that my non-custodial status came about because I chose to not be with my daughter every day — and not as a result of addiction, abuse, or neglect — the situation becomes even harder for them to grasp. Stay at home mothers have a vested interest in keeping their children in the unfortunate event of a divorce. Will you understand every night, every minute of every day, I wanted you with me but didn’t want to uproot you from the only home you ever knew? Exposing shame and inviting conversation around it will help to destroy false assumptions and create a safe space for mothers, both custodial and non. In her poem, “Ode to My Bitch Face,” Olivia Gatwood says, “we think we’re supposed to feel it, we’re told to feel it, about the way that we live, and act, and walk, and speak, and dress, and are. It’s not an organic feeling.”. Exactly. Physical custody relates to where the child lives and who has primary care of the child. It is, as I said, a question loaded with a lifetime of gender roles, unforgiving standards that mothers are held to, and a belief that a woman’s role is, primarily, to be a mother. Once I began to feel ashamed of my decision, I started to feel like an outlier, like I had made a choice so unthinkable that I needed to keep it hidden. That means about 2.5 million households are run by single fathers, many of which have a non-custodial counterpart. Mothers and fathers are on legal standing until one or the other gives up or is denied full custody rights. A 2008 Kansas City University study — Non-custodial Mothers: Thematic Trends and — Future Directions — explores the complicated societal condemning of mothers who contradict, challenge, or defy the “right” kind of mothers: “The non-custodial mother is an anomaly. One woman, Pauline Gaines, tells the Huffington Post why she’s glad she did, saying, “having me ‘out of the picture’ has enabled [my son] to have a more balanced perspective. They range from the selfish (wanting to have the financial flexibility to pursue a career that would set me up for a better life and needing time to breathe after a chaotic five years of a tumultuous marriage, an unplanned child, and a messy divorce) to the selfless (wanting to spare my daughter the stress of growing up with a single mom who was struggling to make ends meet). The general consensus seems to be that she would only do this if she was the most selfish woman on the planet and/or didn’t love her child. Most of us have been taught, either directly or contingently, that mothers are and should be the primary caretakers. Although in the past decade there has been an increase in equal residential custody, mothers are still much more likely to be awarded primary residential care. Shortly after, she agreed to give up physical custody. (And many ways to be a good one.). And there was this, the thought that kept ricocheting through my mind: What kind of mother loses custody of her child? If it came up, I followed my “admission” with a long list of justifications that, I hoped, would keep people from slinging their premature judgment in my face. Even those who label themselves “feminist” or “progressive” seem to have a hard time wrapping their head around why a mother wouldn’t have custody. 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